waking up

I hope he woke up this morning and felt like shit because I know I did...
Yesterday was absolutely terrible.

ugh

Maine and i are over. I'm feeling a lot of ways. it sucks. i know everything happens for a reason, but I'm hurting and i dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it.

I'm mad at him and myself for our actions and carelessness. we weren't honest when we should've been, or loyal, or genuine. We didn't love each other when we should have. We both had every opportunity to fix it...we had choices and we made the wrong ones. we had all the power to make it work and we failed.

I wanted a grown up relationship so bad, i wanted to be with HIM so bad. and now i have to start over :(

crazyness

Maine ignored me all day yesterday...when i got home I slept in Julians room. This morning Maine came and asked me to come lay in bed with him like nothing had ever happened. you tell me who is crazy!?!?

somethings gotta give

maine has once again used my kids to piss me off. Its 10:30 at night and the kids should be home. but he still has not spoken to me or answered my calls. So the kids have to stay with jeff till i get off work and go get them. its so childish the way maine digs at me. im dont know how much more of this i can take.  he knows i have an open invitation to get back with jeff. you would think he would use this as an opportunity to step his game up. but instead he looks at it like its inevitable and so he acts like he doesnt give a shit.

christmas 2012

well its been a "typical" holiday with Maine.(he hasnt said a word to me all day) its embarressing the way things are. i dont even tell anyone what goes on anymore b/c its so embarressing...But Im glad the kids liked their presents and I got to see some of my family.

other people

two people have told me in the past 24 hours that my relationship isnt a relationship. the first persson said that we are together, but its no relationship. the other person said that the relationship is dead in the water. i didnt anyone that either of the two said it. it was pure coincidence and makes me question it myself.

kicker

Oh the kicker... I called Jeff earlier and asked him, "Are we not friends anymore?"and he replied "I didnt know that we were." all I could say is "Thank you Im glad I know." and hung up.

friendship

mr. fraam died a week ago. i tried my hardest to be there for jeff and was once again let down. I want so bad for us to really be friends. good friends. you would think that after so many years together and raising children in what is supposed to be a team, we could have some sort of friendship but theres not. I called and texted him repeatedly asking him how he was doing before and after his dad died. at the wake he invited big girl. clearly it was him who invited her becuase it was a private service and thats fine. but he acted funny to me just like he did at ropes funeral. (he ignored me completely)like he is embarressed of me. but behind closed doors its a whole different story. whenever i tried to engage in conversation with him at the wake he would get up and walk away as fast as he could without being completely rude. but when big girl came he went outside with her and talked to her. if thats a friendship jeff and i clearly dont have one. it just hurts to care about someone who doesnt care about me.

always thinking

Sometime I wonder if I am with the person I was meant to be with. Or if there is someone else out there who is a better match. and is there a better match for him too? did I pass up that person, have i not met them yet? Would jermaine have the same life if he werent with me, or would he do things totally different? Am i really the type of person he wants or does he stay simply because he loves me? Does he like our life? If he could go back and do it again, would he run from me? or run from someone who was like me in any way? All these things go through my mind. I dont know why and I really dont know if I even want to know the answer. Wish I could just forget all about it :/

But I have to tell myself that these things are minor in the scheme of life.


I feel so bad for Jeff. His best friend died this year, his grandpa died last week and now his dad is in ICU. When he hurts, I hurt. Thats how its supposed to be right. Sometimes i think the people I surround myself are incapable of that.

choose wisely

speaking of decisions...The other day I found a letter that Jeffrey wrote me that said he wants to live with matt, jeff, or mr. fraam. that he is miserable and depressed at my house. I asked him why he is miserable and he couldnt give me one good reason. Just kept saying that is his choice. Im not surprised that he wants to live with Jeff. Really just more hurt that I have done everything for him his whole life and still he disrespects me daily.

decisions

need to decided if i should repair a broken relationship or start new. My mind tells me that I havent been happy in a long time and dont see myself being happy so I should start over, but the first step is the hardest.

feeling

Today I feel like Im dating a 6th grader.....fml

crack

Relationships are so stressful. Why do people even purse it. Its like crack. you get sucked in so quick and then its nothing but trouble