Jonathan

I saw Jonathan the other day for the first time. I tried to blog about it, but I really cant bring myself to do it yet.

Jermaine

Well if nothing else he has taught me a few good lessons about myself. At the moment I think the most important is to not be vengeful. He went out of his way to hurt me repeatedly. It wasn’t even just carelessness it was purposeful. And Im very hurt. But I don’t want to stoop to his level. Which says a lot bc in the past that’s the first thing I would do. I just don’t want to play his game anymore. That’s really all if seems to be is a game. I also see how much I hurt Jeff. A lot of things that I have done to Jeff have been done to me.   And I guess that saying really is true. You do go out the same way you came in..smh

relationships

I don’t know about other people’s relationships, but in all of mine there’s a breaking a point. Something will happen that the other person might not make note of, but I feel that I have explained it well enough, or even if I haven’t for that matter…and the person doesn’t act on it, it’s a fucking problem. And I might not react on it right away but I will make note of it, and it will ultimately be one of the reasons why I decide to walk away. Even if the person does everything else I ask, it can’t erase what’s already been done.


With Shaz it was when he ignored my kids while he was in THEIR house. Or when he didn’t want to watch Julian even though he was home all day.

With Mo it was the way he tried to change me. Always wanted to tell me what to wear or how to do my hair. Even tried to tell me to get a tattoo….

Jeff did the same thing, always wanted my hair a certain way, I had to dress a certain way, listen to a certain type of music. Everything was decided for me and I hated that.

These people probably didnt realize they were doing it, and probably wouldnt remember it today, but i remember it clear as day. and in those moments i knew we wouldnt last.

With Maine there have also been a lot of things I swore I would tolerate. Things I know I wouldn’t have tolerated them from someone else. It makes me question why I stay. And the things im feeling right now, are best left unspoken. Im really not feeling this anymore. A part of me thinks, maybe the feelings will pass, but the other part just wants to get it over with. I’m anticipating how I would feel once we were really broke up. Would I regret leaving him or would I regret staying so long…the moment that brought me to this I won’t say, but I can see that he has a different outlook on life and the future. No amount of compatibility will ever change that. And I’m not in the habit of changing people even if it’s for the better. If he doesn’t care about his future, how can he plan one with me in it? And the daily fights…im over it. Maybe ive just outgrown it.

thank god!

i was talking to maine today and it made me stop to think.....that both of my best friends ended up on heroin and losing there kids. all this time i was hateful to jeff (even today thinking about how maine lets me be me, but jeff never did when it came to how i dressed and what music i listened to) for not letting me be and made my own decisions. well maybe him keeping me on a leash, stopped me from being on drugs and losing my kids and god knows what else. i think a portion of it was me, but a portion was him as well. so another lesson learned.thank GOD!

...

on another note, I have a ton of feelings about Rope and Mr. Fraam and everything thing that surrounds their deaths, I just cant bring myself to blog about it.

oops!

the wonderful mark davis

I was just thinking on my way to work about how mark davis told me that I am a waste of a perfectly good thick white girl because I date a black person. Idk why it crossed my mind today, but it did. My “black guy” is living life just like Mark davis. All the things that mark said “Black guys” do, mine doesn’t do. The only conclusion I can come to is that I would rather take my black guy anyday of the week over Mark. Because at least my guy doesn’t go around judging other men based off color or sterotypes. And lets not forget that Marks poor kids are half black L And what kind of respect does mark even have for me if he thinks I would tolerate those type of things in my or my kids lives.

waking up

I hope he woke up this morning and felt like shit because I know I did...
Yesterday was absolutely terrible.

ugh

Maine and i are over. I'm feeling a lot of ways. it sucks. i know everything happens for a reason, but I'm hurting and i dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it.

I'm mad at him and myself for our actions and carelessness. we weren't honest when we should've been, or loyal, or genuine. We didn't love each other when we should have. We both had every opportunity to fix it...we had choices and we made the wrong ones. we had all the power to make it work and we failed.

I wanted a grown up relationship so bad, i wanted to be with HIM so bad. and now i have to start over :(

crazyness

Maine ignored me all day yesterday...when i got home I slept in Julians room. This morning Maine came and asked me to come lay in bed with him like nothing had ever happened. you tell me who is crazy!?!?