its over

trial is over and the he is found guilty on 2 of the 3 counts of gross sexual imposition. the last thing we have to do is the sentancing hearing! YAY!

CRAP

I feel like crap today and I dont know what to do about it. Tomorrow is our house investigation and its really getting to me. I have been laying in bed for a long time trying to get to sleep. And thats really unusual. I typically fall right asleep. But tonight all I can do think and cry. This past week all I have been doing is sleeping. I feel so out of body. Like things are getting out of control. I sleep, then I can sleep. I feel a million different ways all in a matter of minutes. Theres just so much in my head and its getting the best of me.
I feel like I have failed as a parent. I cant protect my kids. I know that no one can 100% but its hard. Like tomorrow my children will get off the bus and come in the house and there will be 3 strange men here. The little ones will ask a million questions about these men and why they are here. And I dont know if I have the strength to answer them. I dont have the energy to clean the house, cook dinner....nothing. I have to take Jeffrey back to court on Monday, Trial is on Wednesday. I hate Jeff. I mean I really feel like love doesnt live here anymore. I want nothing to do with him. I ask him daily to leave. We have been together for over 10 years and within the first 4 he had cheated on me. Since then and for the majority of all 10 years I have been unhappy. I know I cant continue to live like this, but its hard to move. I literally pay for everything for my kids. You name it, I pay it. Jeff pays for nothing. And getting child support from him is a joke. I probably make 1000.00 a month and 1/2 goes right to bills. Then the boys are always needing things. Boyscouts, basketball, bookfair, picture day, pumpkins....typical things. I pay for all of it. There is no asking Jeff for money. So I pay for EVERYTHING and at the end of the day I am broke and tired. I have no energy to move. Its like a vicous cycle. I do too much and it drains me. And when I am drained I feel like crap b/c I have no more to give. I wonder if other people feel like this.

After the Jeffrey incident last nigt I went back into the room where jeff was at and again told him what had happened. He straight ignored it! so I guess all I can take from that scenerio is the reinforcement that I am ultimately in parenting on my own. and Keep myself focused on saving up money and getting the hell out of here!

this kid has got me fucked up.

why did my 9 year old just try to hit me? Like really hit me when he was being punished? He bravery is much bigger than his muscles....And what does his dad do? sits in the other room on his computer and doesnt move a mucsle....

feeling really anxious

and I think someone stole my prescription. Blah.

so we got the inevitable tonight....

Every few months we are told by Mr. Fraam to get the fuck out....Im so sick of it. Really need to get my own place. Time to stop talking/dreaming and put it into action. This is rediculous.

Well Jeff and I are definately off again. It comes at a bad time. but what can I do? He has decided not to be with me b/c I went out last weekend. Funny thing is he says I snuck out but how do you sneak out? If he isnt here, why would I call him up and announce to him that I want to go out so I can hear his mouth? No sense in that. So I called him on my way home from the bar and he was pissed. But I havent been out since January! And before that it was a year...I went out with two girls I havent hung out with in years...

So now he is being a huge jerk. I mean realllly mean. And I definately dont deserve that. Once again he takes no fault for anything that went wrong in the relationship. He says that maybe he slept all day but thats becuase he was having a problem (depression) But fuck that. I am so sick of hearing him scream and cry about his depression but not do anything about it. I have tried everything I could think of to help him and he wont accept it. I can only take so much. I deal with the kids daily. They are automatically my responsibility- No questions asked. I deal with our sons outbursts, his counseling, court, the other kids, Jeffs nephew who is with me 24/7 I never get a break from these things and on top of that, Im not working at the moment so that stresses me out. And through all of this do you want to know what Jeff is doing? SLEEPING. All day everyday. So the fuck what if I go out one time. I fucking stressed. I need a break and you dont fucking provide it! You dont help with shit. you would never watch my neice or nephews every fucking day. As a matter of fact I cant ever remember a time when you watched one of them. But that would just be stupid b/c you dont even watch your own kids...

And....While I am over here with no job and he has 40 grand saved. Why did this asshole take my food stamp card, so I have to spend my own money (which I dont have alot of to last me till i get a paycheck) on food. It costs about $40 a day to feed myself and all 4 kids. And he takes my food stamp card. I asked him for it back and he said he didnt have it. Just like my $100 I asked him for that he claimed he didnt have for almost a week. Im sorry I dont have 40 grand laying around.... Every penny counts asshole!

So anyway... What am I going to do about this situation? I have no idea. In a perfect world if I had lots of strength I would get my card back and not fuck with him anymore. But its not a perfect world, damn it!

one day at a time.

Well I packed Jeffs stuff... Now Im just trying to keep busy and remember that its not all my fault :)

Men

A few days ago, Jeff and I were fighting about the same old shit... His family and the kids, our relationship, Jeffs lack of interest, his depression, his selfishness....Well I broke up with him and told him to leave. He did and wouldnt answer my phone calls or the kids for the past 3 days. This morning my friend carmen and I went to his house, just to see what was up. Well he wouldnt answer his door for shit. So we left. Carmen asks me why I dont have a house key and why he isnt answering. I have no expanation other then he just doesnt care to talk to me.Five minutes later he leaves and comes back..The girl downstairs from his house told me that.

Well later this evening he calls me and asks for my food stamp card! I kinda owe him some money on it, but I didnt really think he would ask me for it. Well I told him to come and see the kids and asked him if he could pick up dinner on his way here. He tells me that he doesnt have any money on him which I know is a complete lie b/c all he does is make money at his house...(wink)...So I buy dinner for everyone in our house. Which is $35 down the drain. Well while he is here we stay cool with each other. no big deal. But he is telling me that I stress him out...Whatever.

When the kids go to bed, he says that he is leaving. Im pissed b/c I dont just up and leave on my kids and family like that. But he thinks its ok for him to do it. He tells me to come to his house with him, but fuck that I hate it there. Really really hate it there. That is where he cheated on me at. I know it was years ago and I should be over it, but I still think about it quite often. So I tell him that no I dont care to go sit in the house and bedroom that he cheated on me at. As if he is too stupid to figure that out. I fucking hate that house and NEVER want to go there. Im not sure why he even still asks me to. Well then I mention to him that when he doesnt answer my calls or his door it gives the indication that he is cheating on me again. ( stupid I know b/c we arent together) And he says I am crazy that he isnt doing anything and I can ask the girl who lives below him (we are friends) Hello I am almost 30 years old what do I look like calling up some chick and asking her what my man is doing??? That is just rediculous. And at this stage in our relationship I shouldnt even feel this insecure to have to wonder what he is doing. he should be home with his family. I would never do my kids like that. So we argue over it for a little bit and then he says he will stay. Im like fuck that, just go. I dont want you to stay b/c Im mad. Just go, but know that your are by no means fixing anythingin our relationship if Im telling you that it makes me uncomfortable and you dont care. And Im also not going to keep on calling you everyday like I have been, just to get your voicemail and have you not answer your door. You have to realize that I will stop. Im not going to keep on trying. Its quite clear that you only came here for your food stamps and free dinner...Im not going to keep being a fool. And just to piss him off I added that he shouldnt say shit when I stop coming home at night.

Of course that did the trick. He said thats cool, but i can move out. I dont need to bring any more guys home to his dads house like I did before...and he is in a deep depression and may kill himself. And thats how it ended. Just like that. Oh and his phone died right before he was about to leave.... So he left and his phone is dead. But I swear I wont call that man. At this point I dont think there is anything left to say.

2nd blog today....

I already posted a blog today, but I have another one. I took Jeffrey to court last week and it was quite a mess. We were there for hours. He had to lay out the whole situation of what happened when he was molested. It was stressful for all of us. Jeff was in the waiting room crying. I couldnt console him (whole nother story). But with that visit I have come to the conlusion that Jeff cannot come to to court on the day of trial... Which is set for Aug 24. He cant becuase he cant hold it together. He wants to attack the kid and his parents... And I cant hold it together for the both of us. If Jeff goes in there acting like a damn fool its going to put Jeffrey back 10 steps in his progess of couseling and everything else...
So that leaves me going to court alone which I also dont want to do.... But is someone else allowed to go with me? And who do I ask? Who would be good for moral support and keeping the peace betweent me and Jeffs family? I guess I have some serious thinking to do quick...

I hate

this house! Mr. Fraam and Jeff. I cant even stand my kids half the time. They are monsters. They have no respect and take everything for granted. Guess who created these monsters? Jeff and his stupid dad....
What fucking morons... I dont know who is the bigger idiot...
This whole blog is mean, but its the truth

ups and downs

today is a good and bad day. Bad because we have to take Jeffrey to court to meet the prosecutor. not sure what that entails. But Jeffrey is pretty nervous. He keeps asking me what to expect and I dont know what to say....

On the other hand its a good day b/c I got my old job back at the hospital. Over a month ago I re-applied for a PRN position. And they never called. I thought that the unit didnt want me back and I couldnt understand why. I gave notice. I was a good worker. I got along with everyone... But for some reason no call. Well today I was running around tyring to get things ready for court and I get a call from Lutheran. I was soooo excited. With all the drama and stress of today and dreading it, something good actually happened....

feeling like shit

So...Jeff and I just had a big fight because of Jeffrey. I dont know what to do about that kid. He is sooo disrespectful. He talks crap to me, disobeys me, and has a total lack of respect for me in general. Today he was sitting in my room and just kept being rude, and refusing to get out of my room. I asked him several times to leave and he wouldnt. On top of that he was just complaining how he is so bored and why dont i take him somewhere, why dont I cook what HE wants for dinner..... on and on and on. for about 1/2 hour. Finally I said "Get up and walk out of my room immediately without saying another word" -He didnt. It kept going to the point I had to pick him up and remove him, while he is acting like a wet noodle and falling to the ground. So I smacked him in the back of the head. He threw himself on the ground crying and I shut my bedroom door. He gets up and screams that he is calling the cops on me and runs downstairs to get the phone. So I follow him and this time I really lay into his ass. Im so sick of his shit. And what was Jeff doing the entire time this was going on? He is sitting on the floor like a fucking rock. A dumb, fucking motionless rock. He sits right there and lets his son disrespect me!

So I come back in the room and and I tell Jeff that he needs to start helping. He informs me that he is going to his house in Elyria, wants to break up and he will take the kids on the weekends? WHAT THE FUCK??? Im fine with a break up. I think its really shitty on his part that he doesnt help even when he sees that I am at the end of my rope. It never occurs to step in before things get out of hand. Ive tried to talk to him about this and he blames his depression. Well Im sick of hearing it. My priority is myself and my 3 kids. Not him. He is last in line. If he wants to put himself and his depression first and not get any help for it, then why should I put him first? It would be different if he wanted to get help but he doesnt. He is so far gone that he doesnt see a light. Im not a heartless bitch I have tried numerous times to help him, but I just dont know what else to do.... And I had the same problem with depression when we first found out about "the incident". I always get seasonal depression but this was in a league of its own. It was the worst Ive ever had. But I went to the doctors and got medicine. I did what I had to do to pull myself together for my kids! Now Im regretting that. Not because I dont think my kids deserve it, but because I stepped up to the plate regarding children services, court, conseling, school, doctors, everything. I have been handling everything all by myself while Jeff sits there like a rock and its not fair. So when life gets to be too much for me, who do I lean on? I cant lean on him b/c he's not there for me....He is physically here, but not mentally or emotionally.

So here I am once again feeling like shit, because I have to deal with life in general, plus all the shit thats going on with Jeffrey, not to mention Jeff's family is a bunch of fucking assholes and Jeff just leaves. And leaves me here with the kids, frusterated as can be. Just leaves. He has a total lack of respect for me and wonders where the kids get it from. WTF?

My best friend

I miss you Niki. Just felt like writing that... I wish I could help you...I dont care about all the things you have done-(What kind of people are we if we flip out over materialistic things?) I just want you to get better.

non stop fighting

This week has started off to be pretty crappy. Yesterday I woke the boys up for school and instantly Jeffrey starts running his mouth. I usually will let it go a few times in the morning b/c he is clearly not a morning person. But yesterday I gave him several warnings to stop and he wouldnt. I told him that he was not acting appropriately and he turned around and said "Did you hear about the boy who killed his mother?" I was so ANGRY!!! who says that to their mother? I am the person who gave him life, have taken care of him for 9 years and this is how he treats me? Yes this shit is coming out of a 9 year olds mouth. Now I do keep in mind that he has had a traumatic experience within the last year (the molestation) so I do try to keep the peace, but it seems the more lenient I am the more he takes advantage.....Well we end up having a huge argument and I grap him by the back of his jacket. He falls backwards onto the ground and goes into more hysterics. By this point I dont feel bad. I've had all I can take. I tell him to out to the bus stop. GOODBYE!!!

I go upstairs to vent to Jeff about this situation and tell him that my life has basically been threatened by my 9 year old son. And do you know what he says? He tells me that I need to take it easy on him. (our son) WTF??? I do take it easy on him. This is getting out of conrtol. And its not the only behavior issue or outburst that we seen lately. Jeffrey refuses to eat meals on a regular basis. Says that he will not eat untill he dies. Threatens to run in the road. And screams "dont be surprised when you seen blood all over the street!" or "Ill just kill myself!" And these stem from the smallest things. I could tell him to hang his coat up and BAM here comes an explosion. So last night during dinner. Jeff tells Jeffrey that he wants him to start being nicer to his mom. Jeffrey busts out crying and says "great you hate me too!" Jeff says "No we love you, Jeffrey. we just want to get along better" Well Jeffrey instantly stops eating and goes upstairs. I thought the incident was over. Untill this morning I go upstairs to help Jeffrey get ready for school and I see and end table and my massage chair flipped over. I ask what happened to this room? And Jeffrey says with a god damn smirk on his face, "Sorry I was having an anger problem" ---This is funny? I almost think he is testing me to see how much "ANGER" he can get away with. Like maybe because his counselor is bringing up the issue of emotions, Jeffrey is testing out anger. But I cant tolerate it anymore. This is a $250.00 massage chair. not a little pad that you put on a recliner..... Im going to have a talk with him when he gets home about what is and isnt acceptable in this house and what the consequences will be. And I WILL follow through with them.

I cant live like this anymore. Then this morning I have Jeff threatening to move out. Well get the fuck out. I dont need you anyway. Your encouraging this childs behavior and Im the one suffering. You dont even support me! Better yet, why dont you stay here and take care of these ungrateful kids and Ill move out!! Ill pay you the measely $300.00 in child support and watch you struggle!!!!